I’ve mastered the art of procrastination during lockdown, from binge-eating to binge-watching almost everything on Netflix. This included How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. After watching Kate Hudson use every repellent trick in the book to “lose” Matthew McConaughey, I wondered how this would pan out in the modern dating scene.
In the movie, Andie Anderson played by Hudson is a writer for the women’s magazine Composure as the “How to” girl and is inspired to write a new article titled “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” where she starts dating Benjamin Barry (McConaughey) to try and eventually drive him away using only the “classic mistakes women make” in relationships.
As one of many Hinge users, I decided to execute similar tactics on users I’d matched with. Instead of being weird and annoying in person, I decided to do this via Hinge messaging. Although this meant I wouldn’t be able to create face composite images of our future children or purchase our very own love fern with every match, I could still e-drive them away.
It was also a way to see if lockdown lead to single people becoming more desperate, therefore putting up with irritating BS I was exuding. For some, they wanted some sort of human interaction, regardless of its context, for others, they disappeared immediately.
Few of my messages are inspired by texts I’ve received from men in the past, others are created through guidance from close friends. From quoting song lyrics to “you seem exotic” chat up lines, here’s what I’ve been doing in my spare time to entertain you all.
*Note: messages which are in purple are from me. Some names have been changed at random.
*Harry – This was inspired by a friend’s Hinge experience with a man, he asked her if she enjoyed “filling up her tummy with all the yummy foodie goodness?” He was Australian so not sure if this is how they speak there, regardless, it was useful for my experiment using OTT positivity and clichés on Harry.
Sadly, at this point he stopped responding and didn’t even bother to ask what types of yummy foodie goodness I enjoyed.
*Maxwell – As someone with a ‘foreign’ name, I’ve been asked several times whether I can be called something that’s ‘easier’ to pronounce. I wanted to see how my matches would react to being on the receiving end of some othering for once.
I miss Mohammed.
*Tom – With Tom, I’ve resorted to slipping in some song lyrics – shout out to Sugababes. He held much longer than anyone expected him to; lockdown boredom must have been rife that day.
“Haha that’s good” was my favourite part of this exchange.
*Sam – After telling me I look exotic, people seem to start naming random places in Turkey and asking me if I can cook Turkish food. Wish I knew how to cook a kebab, but unfortunately, I’m a 25-year-old woman who still somehow manages to burn pasta.
I never did find out whether he could cook a mean bratwurst or not.
*Adam – There are people out there who send 28726482348 emojis in an attempt to flirt. Beware. Or take heed if you’re looking to dodge someone.
Please don’t gentrify Tottenham, Adam.
*Nick – I was actually just being myself here.
He really just left smh.
*Charles – It was 11 pm and I couldn’t sleep so I did the song lyric thing again.
For those wondering, this is the classic noughties hit Chacarron by El Chombo.
*Josh – Here, I’ve combined the emoji and “you seem exotic” chat up lines.
He stayed with me through the emojis to be honest.
*Tom – Another combination.
Someone please teach me how to pronounce Tom.
*Jack – A combination of quoting song lyrics and asking where he’s “reallyyyyyyy” from.
He didn’t answer my question.
I hope this guide has been helpful for those seeking love and commitment and what-not-to-do when it comes to modern dating. If, on the other hand, you don’t mind sabotaging your love life for a bit of a laugh in the group chat, then feel free to use the repellent chat up lines above. I guess lockdown has made everyone a bit more patient with the art of conversation, or maybe it has just left them extra rilled up and in desperate need of a date.